As we have seen over and over again from attacks in Europe and USA, our terrorist communities are underserved.
As the media helpfully points out, the body count from these measly attacks is laughably low. You’re more likely to die being impaled by a unicorn!
Despite the hard work and planning from our terrorists, each attack barely musters a response.
There’s a hashtag, a Facebook filter and a half-hearted candlelight vigil. Maybe some soldiers will guard government buildings for a few days…
But that’s not enough!
Our terrorists are barely funded by our government assistance programs. For training, they are forced to fly to some of the world’s most dangerous and war-torn countries.
While there they receive shoddy and disorganized training. Usually instruction isn’t even available in their native language!
That’s just not right.
Not only does the lack of training lead to weak, ineffective attacks, but the lack of support further marginalizes our terrorist communities.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Attack after attack our governments and media have told us there is nothing to be done, that there’s no way to fix this. For years it has seemed hopeless…
Until now, that is. I have a modest proposal to fix terrorism.
It will help terrorists get more of the funding they so desperately need, better integrate them into society while also making their attacks more effective:
Make Terrorism an Olympic sport.
Every four years, the world comes together in peace and harmony for the Olympics. We celebrate the best of humanity as each’s country’s most talented sportsmen compete at the pinnacle of their abilities for the ultimate prize.
Adding terrorism can only enrich the Olympics.
Terrorism offers a number of potential new sports to the games. Bomb making, suicide vest detonation, crowd-mow-down truck driving and spray-and-pray machine gunning would all be Must See TV.
(This will deliver much-needed advertising revenue to our television networks.)
With terrorism becoming a source of national pride, terrorists will finally have access to proper funding, resources and training.
Plus, including the neglected terrorist community in the Olympics would turn terrorism from a divisive issue into a unifying cause. Each country will root on their favorite terrorist.
The medal winners will return home as national heroes and finally successfully integrate into the societies which used to shun and neglect them.
Maybe then they’ll stop blowing themselves up at children’s concerts.