The World According to The News

The year is 2017. Hillary Clinton is president.

The entire planet is underwater because of global warming.

Except for Iraq.

Since having its infinite stockpile of nuclear weapons destroyed, Iraq has become a thriving, peaceful, secular, Progressive democracy.

Iraq has a soaring GDP, teenage transexuals in mini-skirts and statues of George W. Bush in every city center.

The United States and Mexico are enjoying a harmonious relationship thanks to the mutual benefits of the North American Free Trade Agreement and unfettered immigration.

Speaking of Free Trade, American manufacturing has been booming since open trade with China began.

China is a primitive, backwards, Third World country.

The Chinese people are mired in dark age poverty because their government refuses to become a democracy.

Speaking of democracies, Russia is doomed.

In the 1990s, Russia enjoyed an unprecedented period of peace, prosperity and rule of law under the democratically-elected Boris Yeltsin and his enlightened cadre of Harvard economic advisors.

Since seizing power in a bloody coup d’état, Vladimir Putin has halted all economic activity in the former Soviet Union.

Putin has also invaded every country on Earth and now controls all politics, governments and militaries everywhere…

At least those which are still above water.