How to Lose Your Religion in 10 Days

Day 1: You Are Enlightened.

As you have learned from television, everyone who is smart loses their religion.

It’s 2017. You are the peak of Darwinian evolution.

You no longer need silly superstition.

Day 2: Yes, You have a religion.

Unfortunately, your Enlightenment may not be fully actualized.

That’s because you are still suffering from religion.

When you read the headline if you said something like “I don’t have a religion!”, then you definitely have a religion.

Let me explain.

Day 3: What’s Your Religion?

The first step in losing your religion is to realize what your religion is.

This is tougher than it sounds.

That’s because the most dominant modern religion doesn’t even have an official name. Nor does it have official beliefs, official priests or official heresies.

Think de facto, not de jure.

Day 4: What does Your Religion Believe?

Like all religions, Your Religion believes it is the one and true Religion.

Unlike other religions, the beliefs of Your Religion are always changing.

Unfortunately, one of the traits Your Religion shares in common with other religions is punishments for blasphemy (both de facto and de jure).

Even listing the beliefs of Your Religion would probably be blasphemous as Your Religion is not A religion. (Your Religion not being A religion is a core belief of Your Religion. Wait, did I just commit blasphemy? EDIT!)

Luckily you can uncover what Your Religion believes by discovering its blasphemies.

Day 5: How do you blasphemy Your Religion?

Make a list of things that, if you said them out loud — without irony — at your office, you’d be fired for.

Those are Your Religion’s blasphemies.

Day 6: What does Your Religion think about other religions?

Interestingly enough, Your Religion — like the Mongols of Genghis Khan’s time — also allows other religions to exist within its territory.

People from other religions who incorporate Your Religion into theirs are called “moderates”.

People from other religions who stubbornly insist on believing in their own religion are called “radicals” or “extremists”.

Day 7: Does Your Religion have an afterlife?

Yes! Kind of…

Your religion has an afterlife in that all of history is an inevitable progression towards the complete domination of Your Religion.

There is no destination in this afterlife, only ever accelerating movement.

That’s why you are forward, and the unbelievers are backwards.

All people will soon become believers of Your Religion.

And if they don’t, we will bomb them.

LOL jk!!!

(But seriously, if Your Religion is dropping bombs in the name of XYZ in country ABC. Reason XYZ goes against Your Religion, even — or especially — if you don’t have an official religion.)

Day 8: Why lose Your Religion?

One of the central tenets of Your Religion is that believing in a religion is bad.

Now that we know that Your Religion is a de facto religion, that leaves us with only one option:

You must lose Your Religion.

Day 9: How do you lose Your Religion?

Good question!

The easiest way is to take that list of blasphemies you made on day five and post them on Twitter or on the pin board in your office break room.

That’s not recommended though (see the section on blasphemy punishments).

Remember that nature abhors a vacuum. If you take Your Religion away, something — perhaps something undesirable — will rush in to fill the void.

Scientists are now discovering that there is an evolutionary advantage to having an (official) religion. It turns out that officially religious people reproduce at higher rates than unofficially religious.

Probably your parents and/or grandparents had a religion.

It’s probably the religion that has been passed down by your ancestors for thousands of years now, sustained your civilization and helped bring you to life.

It’ll do for now.

Day 10: You Are Enlightened.